70% of Pastors Don't Have One
The conclusion they come to is that 70% of pastors do not have a close friend, a confidante, or a mentor.
While none of the research directly quotes a 70% number, they still paint a sad reality for pastors and Christian leaders.
Lifeway Research has conducted surveys that emphasize pastoral loneliness. In 2021, their survey found that 55% of pastors feel frequent loneliness and report having no one they can confide in about deep personal or ministry struggles.
Barna Group studies consistently show that pastors struggle with relational health, especially younger pastors. A 2022 study found that 40% of pastors considered quitting. Isolation was the leading cause for this consideration, significantly higher than dealing with the 2020-2021 pandemic lockdowns.
Pastors constantly teach and preach about how spiritual growth and Christ-likeness are developed in the context of meaningful relationships. I say that almost weekly!
But these numbers would indicate that we pastors are relying completely on ourselves for our spiritual growth. We are going it alone!
Professor, writer, and theologian Henri Nouwen once wrote,
"Most Christian leadership is exercised by people who do not know how to develop healthy, intimate relationships."
The Problem
This lack in Christian leadership has been a passion of mine to see changed, in my own life and ministry, the life of my church, and in the leaders around me.
And while it has been a passion, it has been a slow journey of seeing the Christian leadership culture shift to putting more of a focus on our relational health and spiritual vitality.
I know exactly where to go and whom to reach out to if I want to learn and grow in ministry topics such as:
- Mission, vision, and values in my ministry
- Going to multiple services
- Church planting
- Improving as a preacher and communicator
- How to structure a team and run a board meeting
- Hiring and firing staff
- Fundraising and increasing giving
- Ministry systems and structures
For each of those topics, I could pick up the phone right now and easily call a colleague and get guidance.
To be quite honest, for nearly most of my 19 years of pastoral ministry, I never knew who to talk to if I wanted help or support in:
- A deeper intimacy with Christ
- Hearing and discerning the Holy Spirit more clearly
- Knowing the power of the resurrection in my life
- Being equipped in spiritual warfare
- Enjoy Sabbath rest
- Strengthening spiritual gifts in myself and others
- Dying to the desires of self
While the first list is important and needs to happen to run a church, ministry will only thrive and bear spiritual fruit that will last when our pastors and leaders, through meaningful relationships, are open and honest with the second list.
The Solution
I have spent the better part of the first 15 years of my pastoral leadership building relationships around the function of ministry. I have great people in my life in those areas and I'm very thankful for them.
In 2020 I intentionally shifted my thoughts to find and create relationships around intimacy. It is definitely slower. Since it has been harder to find people to learn from in those areas, I want to do what I can to BE one of those leaders for others.
If you'd like more spiritually intimate relationships I most likely will have to take the first step. I did. While everything in my flesh cried out for someone to reach out to me, to be seen, to be noticed, I had to do the first step.
I started simple. I started with the relationships I already had. One at a time.
Four years ago I made a tiny shift in my staff meetings. Instead of just starting with prayer, or a leadership book, or an informal "how are you" time, I started the meeting asking:
What has the Father been revealing to you about himself this week?
This wasn't a trick question. I wasn't trying to trap them as the "boss" that they are doing quiet times during the week. This came from a heart deeply desiring FOR THEM more intimacy with God. It came from a heart desperate to hear that the Father is at work in the people I love and serve with.
For the first few weeks not all that much was shared. Over time the discussions became more and more meaningful. I learned a lot from hearing what God was revealing to these amazing leaders I spend so much time with.
I began to do this in other meetings as well. Association meetings, pastoral gatherings, leadership training. I open myself up by being vulnerable, modeling an openness that we used to share in our friendships before we became leaders.
Another small step I took was to intentionally meet leaders outside my normal tribe. It can be uncomfortable stepping out this way, but trust me, it is so worth it! Over the past three years I have met some wonderful people with a deep love for the Lord and experience him in ways that I don't. I love listening to them and learning from them. I excited about seeing our relationships grow more and more.
It is Worth It!
In one of my pastoral leadership courses in seminary, the professor told us point blank to NEVER become close friends with people in our church. We are called to shepherd God's people and we must be seen as leaders and those who have meet with Jesus.
Deep in my spirit I knew this was wrong.
I get why this would be taught. Pastoral ministry can be hard. People you care about and invest your life in will hurt you. I've stopped counting the number of people I was close with who have left our church without ever saying a word to me.
Jesus' ministry was built on intimate friendship!
John 15:15 – "No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you."
I LOVE THAT! What I hear from my Father, I make known to you. What YOU hear from the Father, I want you to make that known to me.
Let's not be a part of the 70%.
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